Over the last year I have taken less and less pictures of myself. I used to take not only selfies, but also "self portraits" where I tried to be a bit creative. I realized this over the weekend and started wondering why this is so. I would say that I've become more aware of my appearance, as in, I have started to see more of my flaws. But I actually think the opposite might be true, I'm less self aware, since I have increasingly been wondering whether others find me beautiful and if they see my flaws as well. I used to care less about this but since I'm almost 20 and have never been in a relationship, I have started worrying more about this. I guess I had a lot of expectations when I was a bit younger and not many of those have come true. I am now trying to ind a way to care less again because I feel really unhappy about it. I look in the mirror multiple times a day and wonder about this, which is to be honest, a waste of time.

isn't it weird how you can love someone so much, and everything they do is loveable. the way they snap when something goes wrong or how they dance when slightly drunk. their handwriting, their hands, the birthmark on the palm of their hand.

After 6 days of long hikes through the French Alps we got drunk on wine and Genepi in a small bar in town, the only one still open at that time of night. We played a game of "Who will be... ?" while pointing at each other. "Who will grow old most beautiful?" is when you pointed at me and I know it wasn't only the drinks that made my cheeks glow.

the more distance there is between us, the more i realise that not even you are perfect. your boyish attitude, which i thought was adorable and funny at first, now seems immature and degrading. maybe all the butterflies i felt were not all butterflies but also little warnings of things that did not feel right. i do hope i feel the way i did about you again for someone else, but without the fear and unease. i am glad to say that letting you go is becoming a little easier every day, although it took so long to get here. it truly is very hard to let go of someone it that person is still in your life.

(an old post I wrote on another blog)

The truth is that we were and are never climbing the same mountains, our struggles aren't the same. I  think about how infuriating this is because this should be so easy so why doesn't it work, you and me? I thought you were different, which is always the mistake. I wish I never met you but I don't want to forget you.

Iceland 2014