I know I should be more open to love, and love more myself. I find it particulary difficult getting into contact with new people and making them my friends. Partly, I just don't really know how to. The other part is that I don't really want to. The people I love hurt me enough as it is, and it sucks being hurt, and I don't want to deal with any more of that. Romantic relationships scare me because I don't want to endure more hurt than I already have.

sometimes sometimes

I try to see things relative when life is a bit tough sometimes. There are other times, however, where it seems like there is a disproportionate amount of unfortunate events occuring, compared to the amount of luck. I'm not saying good things don't happen to me, because they do, but usually because I worked hard for them. Rarely does something unexpectedly positive happen. Again, I don't let life drag me down, but there are some days I loose a little courage, and gain a little fear. It's the latter that hurts a lot sometimes. I want to be excited for the future, and I am in part, but due to some unfortunate events, I can't fully, and it's pretty difficult to deal with sometimes.

When my mum said she wants me to be happy I choke. I do have happy moments, and I have moments where I don't feel, and there are some pretty sad moments. Because of all that has happened over the past years, little pieces of hope have been removed. There's always hope and always happiness but beside that there is trying to cope with things I didn't expect having to cope with when I was younger. When she says I keep people at a distance she is one to talk, as I can't tell them what's really going on, and although I really don't want to have others pity me, it is difficult sometimes to go on and act like nothing is wrong. Why would I let people close to me if the people closest to me can hurt me the most. I need to protect myself from that.

I do not feel that way about you

"I'm really sorry", I said, after we had walked around a couple of blocks. It was snowing and we were both packed in thick coats and scarfs. The streets were mostly empty as it was after dark. "Don't worry about it", you said, "now I can move on". After we arrived back where we started, we gave each other a long hug. It was never the same after that. I struggled because our friendship felt ruined and you moved on to someone else.
I used to be good at making decisions, but it has gotten increasingly difficult for me. Afterwards I wonder for a while if it was the right decision. This was the same situation, but I know I shouldn't say yes if the feelings aren't there. Yet here I am, alone. That's OK though, but I feel alone as well.

Over the last year I have taken less and less pictures of myself. I used to take not only selfies, but also "self portraits" where I tried to be a bit creative. I realized this over the weekend and started wondering why this is so. I would say that I've become more aware of my appearance, as in, I have started to see more of my flaws. But I actually think the opposite might be true, I'm less self aware, since I have increasingly been wondering whether others find me beautiful and if they see my flaws as well. I used to care less about this but since I'm almost 20 and have never been in a relationship, I have started worrying more about this. I guess I had a lot of expectations when I was a bit younger and not many of those have come true. I am now trying to ind a way to care less again because I feel really unhappy about it. I look in the mirror multiple times a day and wonder about this, which is to be honest, a waste of time.

isn't it weird how you can love someone so much, and everything they do is loveable. the way they snap when something goes wrong or how they dance when slightly drunk. their handwriting, their hands, the birthmark on the palm of their hand.

After 6 days of long hikes through the French Alps we got drunk on wine and Genepi in a small bar in town, the only one still open at that time of night. We played a game of "Who will be... ?" while pointing at each other. "Who will grow old most beautiful?" is when you pointed at me and I know it wasn't only the drinks that made my cheeks glow.