I know I should be more open to love, and love more myself. I find it particulary difficult getting into contact with new people and making them my friends. Partly, I just don't really know how to. The other part is that I don't really want to. The people I love hurt me enough as it is, and it sucks being hurt, and I don't want to deal with any more of that. Romantic relationships scare me because I don't want to endure more hurt than I already have.

sometimes sometimes

I try to see things relative when life is a bit tough sometimes. There are other times, however, where it seems like there is a disproportionate amount of unfortunate events occuring, compared to the amount of luck. I'm not saying good things don't happen to me, because they do, but usually because I worked hard for them. Rarely does something unexpectedly positive happen. Again, I don't let life drag me down, but there are some days I loose a little courage, and gain a little fear. It's the latter that hurts a lot sometimes. I want to be excited for the future, and I am in part, but due to some unfortunate events, I can't fully, and it's pretty difficult to deal with sometimes.

When my mum said she wants me to be happy I choke. I do have happy moments, and I have moments where I don't feel, and there are some pretty sad moments. Because of all that has happened over the past years, little pieces of hope have been removed. There's always hope and always happiness but beside that there is trying to cope with things I didn't expect having to cope with when I was younger. When she says I keep people at a distance she is one to talk, as I can't tell them what's really going on, and although I really don't want to have others pity me, it is difficult sometimes to go on and act like nothing is wrong. Why would I let people close to me if the people closest to me can hurt me the most. I need to protect myself from that.

I do not feel that way about you

"I'm really sorry", I said, after we had walked around a couple of blocks. It was snowing and we were both packed in thick coats and scarfs. The streets were mostly empty as it was after dark. "Don't worry about it", you said, "now I can move on". After we arrived back where we started, we gave each other a long hug. It was never the same after that. I struggled because our friendship felt ruined and you moved on to someone else.
I used to be good at making decisions, but it has gotten increasingly difficult for me. Afterwards I wonder for a while if it was the right decision. This was the same situation, but I know I shouldn't say yes if the feelings aren't there. Yet here I am, alone. That's OK though, but I feel alone as well.

Over the last year I have taken less and less pictures of myself. I used to take not only selfies, but also "self portraits" where I tried to be a bit creative. I realized this over the weekend and started wondering why this is so. I would say that I've become more aware of my appearance, as in, I have started to see more of my flaws. But I actually think the opposite might be true, I'm less self aware, since I have increasingly been wondering whether others find me beautiful and if they see my flaws as well. I used to care less about this but since I'm almost 20 and have never been in a relationship, I have started worrying more about this. I guess I had a lot of expectations when I was a bit younger and not many of those have come true. I am now trying to ind a way to care less again because I feel really unhappy about it. I look in the mirror multiple times a day and wonder about this, which is to be honest, a waste of time.

isn't it weird how you can love someone so much, and everything they do is loveable. the way they snap when something goes wrong or how they dance when slightly drunk. their handwriting, their hands, the birthmark on the palm of their hand.

After 6 days of long hikes through the French Alps we got drunk on wine and Genepi in a small bar in town, the only one still open at that time of night. We played a game of "Who will be... ?" while pointing at each other. "Who will grow old most beautiful?" is when you pointed at me and I know it wasn't only the drinks that made my cheeks glow.

the more distance there is between us, the more i realise that not even you are perfect. your boyish attitude, which i thought was adorable and funny at first, now seems immature and degrading. maybe all the butterflies i felt were not all butterflies but also little warnings of things that did not feel right. i do hope i feel the way i did about you again for someone else, but without the fear and unease. i am glad to say that letting you go is becoming a little easier every day, although it took so long to get here. it truly is very hard to let go of someone it that person is still in your life.

(an old post I wrote on another blog)

The truth is that we were and are never climbing the same mountains, our struggles aren't the same. I  think about how infuriating this is because this should be so easy so why doesn't it work, you and me? I thought you were different, which is always the mistake. I wish I never met you but I don't want to forget you.

Iceland 2014

to all the paths i will never walk
to all the dreams i will never dream
to all the lovers i will never love
to all the words i will never write

home is where the heart is

leaving iceland made me feel stuff i hadn't felt in a really long time
arriving there was like finally coming home
like, when i still was this scared 7 year old girl, my parents picking me up after having to spend a few nights away from them with family
walking through those mountains and fields and floating in the heated river
sitting in bars in reykjavik listening to live music
driving in our van through those unbelievable landscapes
i left a piece of my heart there definitely

in the end these are the lonely nights.
the nights i kissed your cheek are the same nights you fall in love with everyone but me.
 i can't place my feelings for you but maybe it's better when i don't even try.
 i don't know why i feel like this either because i know who you are
and i don't want to lose you yet i want it to be more and it's not you who disappoints me,
 i disappoint myself by my expectations.

the way from the parking lot to the 12th floor of the hospital forever carved in my memory.
the city looked so strange from a distance
on scary nights we stood in front of the huge window and as we looked at the lights our thoughts flew even further than they already went
it is so hard to accept things that i don't understand

everything that we had has now been replaced by other people. that’s just how it goes, isn’t it? when i longed for it the most, when i needed you you were there even though you didn't even know i needed your attention. last time i saw you the only sign of recognition was a wave (you) and a smiling nod (me). i feel your stare across the room, i feel it when we’re a feet a part but i can’t lift my eyes and look back. i know you saw me stumble when this guy almost walked into me and i know you must have smiled, and i smiled at the thought of you laughing.

you share your passions with others now and others share theirs with me (but i can't help but wish it's you again). i fear the day that nods and waves become fast glances as if we are strangers and i am angry at myself because i really don't have the guts to tell you this, but i also know that it never meant as much to you as it meant to me.

The second goodbye

Isn't it strange when someone suddenly isn't there any more, when they are not there where you always imagined them to be. Did you ever think about them, if they were happy or if they were depressed. Even if you didn't see them for weeks, months, or even a year, you just knew they were there. And you loved them because they were family even though you never actually had long conversations. Their presence was enough. It's just strange how people leave and never come back.

I do very much hope that even in your last years you found some happiness, and that you weren't in pain all the time. That you didn't drink your pain away and even when you did you had good moments with your friends. Farewell. ♥

you know just how to crawl under my skin
you scratch it until you are within
opinions on things that no one asked for
no one asks but you keep giving more
and i keep telling myself
that you cannot get to me
but actually
you know just how to crawl under my skin
my skin
and you know just how to make me mad
make me feel mad
and the more i try to distance myself
the harder i get hit when i fall back
you crawl under my skin with your strange words and nonsense opinions
but you scratch and scratch and you break through my defence
under my skin

Hello again

Hi! I decided to come back to this blog, so from now on i'll post on here again. I'll try to publish something every week. Let me know what you'd like to read, if you have any suggestions let me know. I was thinking: music, photographs, personal posts and some little poems and stories that i wrote.

this morning i was still in bed and listened to the rain ticking on the window and sometimes i feel like there is so much mental pressure and all i want to do is go out and live a free live and travel the world but i'm stuck here in a place where i love so many people but also loath quite a few and i want to live somewhere where those people aren't there and do you ever feel so incredibly small, where you just see yourself sitting/laying/standing and you zoom out into the universe and are you also afraid that you are wasting your life away and what about dying and leaving nothing behind, leaving the world and some people might remember you but aren't julius caesar, no one's going to talk about you 2000 years after you died and i'm not saying i want to be remembered for so long but i would like to change something for the better i want my life to have a meaning and it's so confusing because i don't know how.

 Lose You by Pete Yorn