I know I should be more open to love, and love more myself. I find it particulary difficult getting into contact with new people and making them my friends. Partly, I just don't really know how to. The other part is that I don't really want to. The people I love hurt me enough as it is, and it sucks being hurt, and I don't want to deal with any more of that. Romantic relationships scare me because I don't want to endure more hurt than I already have.

sometimes sometimes

I try to see things relative when life is a bit tough sometimes. There are other times, however, where it seems like there is a disproportionate amount of unfortunate events occuring, compared to the amount of luck. I'm not saying good things don't happen to me, because they do, but usually because I worked hard for them. Rarely does something unexpectedly positive happen. Again, I don't let life drag me down, but there are some days I loose a little courage, and gain a little fear. It's the latter that hurts a lot sometimes. I want to be excited for the future, and I am in part, but due to some unfortunate events, I can't fully, and it's pretty difficult to deal with sometimes.

When my mum said she wants me to be happy I choke. I do have happy moments, and I have moments where I don't feel, and there are some pretty sad moments. Because of all that has happened over the past years, little pieces of hope have been removed. There's always hope and always happiness but beside that there is trying to cope with things I didn't expect having to cope with when I was younger. When she says I keep people at a distance she is one to talk, as I can't tell them what's really going on, and although I really don't want to have others pity me, it is difficult sometimes to go on and act like nothing is wrong. Why would I let people close to me if the people closest to me can hurt me the most. I need to protect myself from that.