(an old post I wrote on another blog)

The truth is that we were and are never climbing the same mountains, our struggles aren't the same. I  think about how infuriating this is because this should be so easy so why doesn't it work, you and me? I thought you were different, which is always the mistake. I wish I never met you but I don't want to forget you.

Iceland 2014

to all the paths i will never walk
to all the dreams i will never dream
to all the lovers i will never love
to all the words i will never write

home is where the heart is

leaving iceland made me feel stuff i hadn't felt in a really long time
arriving there was like finally coming home
like, when i still was this scared 7 year old girl, my parents picking me up after having to spend a few nights away from them with family
walking through those mountains and fields and floating in the heated river
sitting in bars in reykjavik listening to live music
driving in our van through those unbelievable landscapes
i left a piece of my heart there definitely

in the end these are the lonely nights.
the nights i kissed your cheek are the same nights you fall in love with everyone but me.
 i can't place my feelings for you but maybe it's better when i don't even try.
 i don't know why i feel like this either because i know who you are
and i don't want to lose you yet i want it to be more and it's not you who disappoints me,
 i disappoint myself by my expectations.

the way from the parking lot to the 12th floor of the hospital forever carved in my memory.
the city looked so strange from a distance
on scary nights we stood in front of the huge window and as we looked at the lights our thoughts flew even further than they already went
it is so hard to accept things that i don't understand

everything that we had has now been replaced by other people. that’s just how it goes, isn’t it? when i longed for it the most, when i needed you you were there even though you didn't even know i needed your attention. last time i saw you the only sign of recognition was a wave (you) and a smiling nod (me). i feel your stare across the room, i feel it when we’re a feet a part but i can’t lift my eyes and look back. i know you saw me stumble when this guy almost walked into me and i know you must have smiled, and i smiled at the thought of you laughing.

you share your passions with others now and others share theirs with me (but i can't help but wish it's you again). i fear the day that nods and waves become fast glances as if we are strangers and i am angry at myself because i really don't have the guts to tell you this, but i also know that it never meant as much to you as it meant to me.

The second goodbye

Isn't it strange when someone suddenly isn't there any more, when they are not there where you always imagined them to be. Did you ever think about them, if they were happy or if they were depressed. Even if you didn't see them for weeks, months, or even a year, you just knew they were there. And you loved them because they were family even though you never actually had long conversations. Their presence was enough. It's just strange how people leave and never come back.

I do very much hope that even in your last years you found some happiness, and that you weren't in pain all the time. That you didn't drink your pain away and even when you did you had good moments with your friends. Farewell. ♥